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Betfair Top Tens

Top 10 Excuses to wife
Audi-doo-doo 	10 Oct 23:01
	?	
I knocKed one out earlier, dear.
comeonkauto 	10 Oct 23:07
	i forgot
Audi-doo-doo 	10 Oct 23:08
	didnt realise the time
johnn 	10 Oct 23:08
	Didn't know she was your sister :-(
Audi-doo-doo 	10 Oct 23:09
	wasnt me with her love it was my twin brother
bertiesmalls 	10 Oct 23:09
	You can catch it off a toilet seat......
GT 	10 Oct 23:11
	Im working late...
Far From Trouble 	10 Oct 23:12
	she was so fat and overpowered me
sepp blatter 	10 Oct 23:15
	even if you are caudht red handed doing whatever shes caught you doibg,two 
timing,late home,betting to much,drinking too much ,whatever - always deny it - 
they cling to the denial
i.e. if caught in bed with other woman - say you didnt do it ,you was just hugging,
they need that 1 % doubt to live with it - you are hurting her more by admitting
skubydude 	10 Oct 23:25
	me mates pinned me down and gave me a beefy on the thigh , while the 
others scratched the living daylights out of my arse with false fingernails 
on ..............
poker crusader 	10 Oct 23:34
	" im sorry ok ..... i thought the sign said WAREHOUSE "
Audi-doo-doo 	10 Oct 23:50
	Missed the last train ! only had a return and no money left il have to 
stay here
TiptheOdds 	11 Oct 00:31
	I was just cleaning it and it came off in my hand...
bettysboy 	11 Oct 00:34
	i thought you'd swallow this time.
I_Know_Everything 	11 Oct 01:07
	It wasnt me
I really do love you
What you actually read my phone i cant believe you would do such a thing
You odnt know what your saying
Fookoff its your fault
Beating Chastards 	11 Oct 01:09
	It's not how it looked, I was merely helping that sheep through the fence
danny w 	11 Oct 01:12
	oops !!!!!!!!!!!! why put them so close together
Balloon Ed 2 	11 Oct 01:18
	your a ****** ugly knut!
dewey 	11 Oct 01:32
	Balloon Ed 2 - SO ARE YOU
Balloon Ed 2 	11 Oct 01:45
	that's the other excuse I use ;)
e10rifles 	11 Oct 02:35
	she said if i didn't shove my c0ck down her throat she'd shoot me
KautoFleetwood 	11 Oct 08:36
	You don't understand me.
KautoFleetwood 	11 Oct 08:37
	I was sleep walking (in bed with her sister at the time)
The Top 10 mistakes to make whilst snooker punting
The Romford Slim  	15 Dec 19:40
1. Try and bet on a mobile device live from the venue
2. Get the match odds market confused with the Frame by Frame betting - i thought 
that 1.4 about the won oh won was value guv. (NAP)
3. Become emotinally attached to Anthony Hamilton/Alan McManus (select as 
appropriate) because you think they have the best snooker nicknames
4. Bet blind on the back of something JV says without summing up the situation 
yourself (no the cue ball isnt going in the pocket)
5. Bet on ROS. You should have no backs, lays, or failing that ARBS on this 
individual.
6. Think the player has run out of position after taking a free ball, not on 
a red and subsequently laying in the MO/FBF (NB)
7. Follow the holy ghost (3 days in, how many points down thus far gents?)
8. Have a conversation about banana eating when you should really be studying 
for the next session
9. Back a 1.8 shot at 1.4 just because a ball has been potted. Its buying money 
isnt it?
10. Dismissing the qualifier as you have not heard of them before - they 
definately have 'patchy' form.
As you can see, there are some sumptuous errors to make, but which are 
your favourites?
Top 10 Swear Words
AFL  	06 Jan 11:46
	Top 10 Swear Words...
1. Fu#k
2. Sh#t
3. Bl##dy
4. Jes#s
5. Bast#rd
6. Ars#hole
7. Co#k
8. Cu#t
9. Wan#er
10. Tax
Journeyman  	05 Jan 18:16
	Top 10 thing you won't be able to buy in Woolies any more
10. Economy batteries
9. A new pen ('Everyone loves a new pen!'- Woolies)
8. Dodgy European pay as you go phones
7. Buffy DVD box sets
6. Orange and lemon slices
5. 99p DVD-R four packs
4. Lees' jaffa Orange bar and Coconut Ices
3. Iffy SPL posters
2. Panties
1. PICK AND MIX (nap)

 

erse  	05 Jan 18:11
	Top 10 words that just came into my head
1. fart
2. whiff
4. blast
5. blood
6. seepage
7. moist
8. sniff
9. double jointed
10. infamous
SLB  	05 Jan 18:01
	Top Ten CONSONANTS in the UK Today.
1. S
2. C
3. F
4. B
5. Z
6. P
7. H
8. K
9. V
10. L
A pleasing and definitive list.

frasier 24 Dec 17:27 

10 reasons why characters from your local bookmakers will always remain a class above your average Betfairian.

1) whilst having a few bets in your local bookmakers, and due to circumstances beyond your control you unfortunately hit a bit of a losing run and find yourself over 30.000 out of pocket. the other customers tend not to gather around you like a pack of slobbering hyenas, laughing and pointing, calling you a mug and a loser, and telling you to give up the game for good you USELESS MUPPIT!!!!!

2) although your local bookmakers is home to many a harmless lunatic. very few of them, if any. instigate detailed conversations with themselves for no particular reason

man 1 "good morning my friend how are you today"?

puts on huge rubber fake nose

man 1 "fine thanks mate, i have just parked the fishing boat in the marina, and i find myself looking forward to another afternoon of top notch pro punting action.

takes off huge rubber fake nose

man 1 "indeed my friend, by the end of day we will hopefully be dining on lobster sandwiches and venison vindaloo once again....... etc etc

3) while you are in your local betting shop doing your business. you are very unlikely to see thousands of little bots scurrying around the floor between races, collecting all the loose change they can find to take home to their unable to form an opinion, ive got a job so i havent got time to sit here all day, and i want some money for nothing anyway, masters.

4) if a stranger suddenly appears in your local betting shop, and starts freely giving out tips on horses that in his opinion are certainties to lose, and the said horses are duly stuffed as predicted, then the chances are that the stranger will not suddenly take on a god complex, create a website and tell everyone that from now on his advice will cost you 30 a month in advance.

5) when the above betting shop characters lucky streak finally comes to an end, usually after a month or so. it would be highly unusual for him to announce to everybody that hes leaving. only to come back the next day wearing a false beard, using a false name and declare himself to be the new messiah!

6) if theres a character down your local bookies who people dont really take much notice of and hes feeling a little bit left out. only in very extreme circumstances would that person go home. put on a dress. give himself a girly name and start flirting with the more respected male characters in the hope of achieving some much needed popularity

7) on a saturday, when things are a little busier than usual. its very unlikely that your local bookmaker will have a breakdown, and refuse to take or settle any bets for an hour or so while he gets his head together in the back room.

8) whilst waiting patiently in the queue to place a bet in your local bookmakers, it would very unusual indeed if gangs of people suddenly started pushing and jostling ahead of you in the line, the closer you got to race time, frantically pleading with the bookmaker to take their 2 before anybody elses, even going as far as offering to accept much smaller odds than they would have to if they werent so pig ignorant, and they had just a tiny bit of patience and waited there proper turn like everybody else.

9) if somebody in your local bookmakers was having a vague conversation with his mates about a horse that he thought might possibly have a slight chance of winning, and the said horse duly bolts home. your average betting shop customer would very seldomly go up to the man and start vigorously patting him on the back while saying " cheers mate, i have never seen you before, and i havent got a clue who you are, but i heard you mention such an such a horse so i stuck my last 50 on, cheers, you got me out of trouble big time "

10) and finally. once the days racing is finished and your local bookmaker wants to lock up and go home. betting shop customers will very rarely refuse to leave the premises, instead opting to sit around in their y fronts until 3.o clock in the morning. playing helicopter, and telling each other what they just had for supper with their imaginery girlfriends.

back by not very popular demand.

top 10 forum hardmen of the last 3 1/2 years.
 frasier 10 Sep 12:58 
1) the handicapper ( make believe triad )
2) robbed blind ( pub car park punch up specialist )
3) tyson75 ( begsy wannabe )
4) kryten ( deranged lunatic )
5) imperial beale ( isn`t here to make friends )
6) lampus ( always watch out for the quiet ones )
7) daspringbok ( master of disguise )
8) ppking ( scourge of the scotsman )
9) harvey ( community forum policeman, prone to dish out the occasional beating if you cross him )
10) limerick mick ( nuff said )
a highly formidable list of internet hardmen. cross these guys at your peril! 
The Top 10 FEUDS on the forum:
davix 16 Sep 15:56 
1. jonjo vs herbie (jonjo winning hard held)
2. ppking vs deepthroat (ppking seems to be nicely on the bit cruising to victory)
3. imperial stride vs ***** (***** pulled up leaving imperial stride to cruise home)
4. janov vs sportsnapper (janov won as sportsnapper seemed to disappear from the race)
5. bignosedave vs aceform (bignosedave winning with a bit up his sleeve)
6. happyhibby vs happy hibby (happyhibby showed his grit in this battle)
7. atavus vs the mole (a tight battle, these two are dead heating at the moment, surely atavus 
will come through?)
8. xavierrhodes1980 vs limerick mick (xavierrhodes1980 won this battle i seem to recall)
9. leedsunited vs mfordy (leedsunited must have won as i haven't seen mfordy for a while on here)
10. loper vs queenbee (loper won as his points were very valid)
with the above 10 feuds i suggest olive branches are handed out by all parties. that way 
the forum can become peaceful once more. good luck settling your feuds once and for all 
in an amicable fashion. 
Top 10 Female Trainers Ever
thurnscoe thunder 20 Sep 13:52 
1, Edna Bolger
2, Jenny Pitman
3, Venitia Williams
4, Mrs Harry Ramsden
5, Miss Camacho
6, Julie Cecil
7, Monica Dickenson
8, Ms F Crowley
9, Edna Kelly (one in the second race today at Listowel)
10, Mrs H Sweeting 
 
Top 10 missing betfair forumites and their taglines 
Pricewise Muppet 29 Sep 14:23 
 
1. ppking - "I have them in a cage on my desk"
2. yourbestmate - "I have (insert made up price) on (insert horse who has just won 
trial race)"
3. BigNoseDave - "wHERS MI BOTE?"
4. accumulator - "You ******* **** **** ****** *****!!!"
5. t0fty - "Attraction won't win the 1000 guineas, but I'm just off to Legoland"
6. fubar - "God bless the Queen Mum" (in a list of top 10 racing females)
7. sportsnapper phil - "I'm not bald it's a bad camera angle" & "You can see my pool from 
space (it's next to my big bald heed)"
8. HappyHibby - "Free Fallon? No effin way, he's stayin' in ma cellar"
9. xavierrhodes1984 - "The 5 a side boys are all lumping on Venn Ottery for the National"
10. celt1 - " " (has been quiet since the Boder dogs are no longer being trained).
A pleasing list. 
Top 10 places/things to eat for the on course punter
 Officer Jim Lahey 06 Oct 16:03 
1. Happy Eater - Devon and Exeter
2. Oriental stir fry - Goodwood
3. Barry Cope's prawn curry - Taunton
4. Hog Roast - Cheltenham
5. Jacket Spud - Newton Abbot (Silver)
6. Pizza bagel - Lingfield
7. Square sausage - Happy Hibby's Scotch Nosh (Edinburgh racecourse)
8. Pasty - Wincanton
9. Packet of 20 B&H - Warren's Of Warwickshire - Warwick
10. Roast dinner - Goodwood - sneak into the staff restaurant
any more for any more? 
The Top 10 PROPUNTERS in the UK today.
ppking 13 Oct 10:19 
1.PAT NAYLOR.
2.The Scottish wallpaper carrier bag man.
3.The Shoe.
4.Carl Harris.
5.Bob Winston.
6.Jonathan Ramsden of "The Bespoke Tipping Service."
7.The Ruck from Hampshire.
8.Davix from the English Riviera.
9.Muffin Man.
10.Dave Nevison.
As you can see there are some good ones there.Which one is your favourite ? 
The Top 10 equine nutcases of our time.
ppking 13 Oct 12:55 
1.Tyrone Bridge.
2.Him Of Praise.
3.Burgoyne.
4.Nazzaro.
5.Invasion (O Brennan).
6.Bally Lira.
7.Howard from *****.
8.Mr Christie.
9.Trooper.
10.Dom Samourai. 
 
 frasier 13 Oct 18:42 
top 10 forumites who would benefit by being gelded.
1) aceform / the predator
2) limerick mick
3) happyhibby
4) imperial beale
5) davix
6) jayne2
7) harvey
8) allythroat
9) BIGNOSEDAVE
10) tyson75
the removal of the above forumites testicles would help bring a much calmer outlook 
to their forum life, less chance of a ban, and hopefully an improvement in their 
overall tipping performances imvho 
 
The Top 10 things that brighten up our racing/betting industry industry.
ppking 17 Oct 22:01 
1.Momentum traders ruing BF.
2.The wise guys from "over the water".
3.Tipping Lines and their relentless spam.
4.8 for a hog roast sandwich and pint of Aldi type lager at the races.
5.Vets and their vet's certificates.
6.Overwatering by the Groundsmen.
7.Bookmakers not willing to lay a bet at the track unless the price is bigger on BF.
8.Peter Savill.
9.Racing syndicates ripping off the unsuspecting owners.
10.Racecourse car park attendants.
As you can see there are some good ones there.
Which one do you think is a credit to the industry ?

The Top 10 up and coming trainers in the UK today.

 ppking 19 Oct 15:12 
1.Evan Williams.
2.Liam Corcoran.
3.Tom Dascombe.
4.Alan Swinbank.
5.Brendan Powell.
6.Marco Botti.
7.Mark Rimell.
8.Tim Pitt.
9.WJ Knight.
10.Clive Cox.
As you can see there are some good ones there.
Which one is your favourite ? 
 

Top 10 Banded horses in action today

Quito 31 Oct 11:53 
1) Borzoi Maestro (NAP)
2) Seven No Trumps
3) Sharp Hat
4) Hout Bay
5) Sorbiesharry
6) Kentucky Bullet
7) Emperor Cat
8) Spinetail Rufous (22/10/2002)
9) Fraternity
10) Iamback
An acceptable list, Machiavellian? 
The Top 10 Most Famous Horses
 Tyler Derdon 03 Nov 17:36  
1 - Shergar - Kidnapped
2 - Arkle - Weight carrying machine
3 - Desert Orchid - Gallant Grey
4 - Best Mate - Modern day Hero
5 - Dubai Millenuim - Boys in blue ICON
6 - Red Rum - Grand National Masterclass
7 - Moscow Flyer - Irish Champion
8 - One Man - a Jumping masterclass
9 - Ghostzapper (NAP) - Amercian Idol
10 - ????????????
Number 9 will be mentioned a few times in the next 24hrs.
Anyone suggest a famous talked about horse for number 10 Please and what is your favourite. 
Top 10 trainers who regularly use sheepskin nosebands
heynoodles 05 Nov 17:39 
 
1. Geoff Wragg
2. Alan Swinbank (Nap)
3. Noel Meade
4. Noel Chance (NB)
5. Michael Hourigan
6. Jessica Harrington
7. Arnaud Chaille-Chaille
8. Kim Bailey (not sure about that one)
9. Shocking omission
10. Poor oversight 
Top 10 Shrewd Stables
legend 13 Nov 16:10 
 
1.Barrons
2.Ellison's
3.Reveleys
4.Channons
5.Pipe's
6.Goldie's
7.Fahey's
8.Fanshawe's
9.Easterby's
10.Brisbourne's
Didn't bother with the irish ones as i haven't got enough room.
I may have missed a few though. 
Top 10 Rock Guitarists
betfair smell 14 Nov 00:10 
 
1. Jimi Hendrix
2. Eric Clapton
3. Jimmy Page
4. Jeff Beck
5. Van Halen
6. Stevie Ray Vaughan
7. Joe Satriani 
8. Ritchie Blackmore
9. Steve Vai 
10. David Gilmour
100% FACT IMO 
 
The top 10 trainers never to send a nat hunt horse2 in the south of england
roo 18 Nov 08:56 
 
 
 1,paul webber-the guy could turn a nice sauterne into van ordinaire blanc in 6 weeks
2,Kim Bailey- plain awful nowadays
3- olivier Sherwood- the occasional one sneaks thru the net but generally he ruins em
4- Goneathon Geake-horses all look well,a few run ok,they run well for 3 weeks a 
year when toby trains em.
5-Andrew Turnell- Old school,never been a trainer,similar to geake they run well for 
a little bit when kings there.
6-Laurence Wells-has lovely chasing types but is hopeless at training them,cowboyboots 
did win tother day,that was a very rare exception.
7-Ian Williams- now that the poor old cash cow governor daniels not in training god 
knows how he makes a living.
8-Charlie Viruslock-Trained my favourite pell mell mare years ago but is awful nowadays.
9-David Bridgwater-Terrific jockey but doesnt seem to have any idea about the training 
side tbh.
10- contentious one but Robert Alner,not for his horses,who are all turned out beautifully 
and generally do ok but for the blokes appalling choice of 
jockeys.The mincedrobes shot to bits,jacob is competent but walfords the worst of the 3,
a very moderate point jockey riding all those good horses ,yuk.
Who are your trainers to leave well alone??